Health: a full time fucking job

For my mom

Actual footage of me on the ground

Insight into my morning routine that goes until 10pm. 

I do all the things we are “supposed to do.” In order to do all these things you must have incredibly high energy levels or a surplus of time. It can either make you live your best life or slowly drive you into madness.  (This post is coming at you hot from the madness side of the scale.) 

How am I healthy? Let me count the ways.

(A majority of these methods are  from books and leaders in their respective fields and backed by science and research…that’s how I know it works.)

Let’s just start with a day, my day, a walk through my day.

One: wake up and expose myself to natural light. (I have just been informed that this sounds inappropriate; it’s not. I am talking about my eyeballs or my retinas more specifically; get your mind out of the gutter.) I owe this first thanks to my obsession with Matthew Walker, a sleep researcher and circadian maven. (Can you be a male maven? It’s 2020, so I am sure you can.)

Exposing those peepers to natural light ensures that my body wakes up without caffeine or cocaine, you know, the natural way.

(More on this later, because I’m a slave to circadians.)

Still on one: I walk the dog, getting in those 10k steps. Maybe this is the only reason I have the dog? (Not really, but maybe really?) 

Look at all those birds I'm getting with one stone! 

This is called: 

Habit Stacking

Thanks to James Clear my habit god, I know it’s efficient to stack these things together to streamline my life! Except when I am not stacking things because monotasking is far more important when trying to be aware. (So says researchers Daniele Segiel and Jon Kabat-Zinn . If you don’t know who they are, how are you even still alive? I mean I guess in a sense you aren’t alive because you’re a zombie wandering through life with no purpose if you’re not being mindful.)

Still on one? No, I think we are ready for two: post dog walk life -  reflection, forced commentary, and caffeination…

or

Coffee making and Journal writing. (Note the additional habit stack; praise to James!) 

I make my coffee in my hipster chemex with water heated to 95 Degrees and slowly pour it over the beans as I pour over my thoughts.  

That’s enough to pack into that moment right? Wrong, and if you thought yes, you are wrong. I can also use this time to track my cycle. (My menstrual cycle, in case that wasn’t clear.)  At the top of the page I simply write a number because hormones are real and keeping track can do wonders according to Martie Heselton, author of Hormonal; it can change your fucking life and if you’re a woman and you’re not tracking your hormones you are, and this is a clinical term, a piece of shit. 

Actual footage of me on the bathroom floor.

Are you tired? I am getting tired and we are only on two and I haven’t even had my coffee yet. 

(is it really two because I have shoved so much health seeking behavior into this maybe we are at eight? I am sticking to two because like I said I am tired and refuse to edit more than I need to.)

Okay three?

Now that I have my coffee it’s time to awaken my mind with some reading, followed by meditation. 

I sit outside and read until I poop. (That isn’t the prescribed amount of time, it’s just how things naturally go.)  Then I medi… wait not true you also have to pay attention to your poop! It’s incredibly important to your health and we need to focus on it more according to leading Doody researcher Megan Rossi. (And by doody I mean gut health; it has been so long since I used the word doody I actually had to google it to make sure it  was a thing - it is.)  So  I have a quick peek-a-doo and report to my husband how I think things went on my way out of the bathroom using a one to ten scale. Thanks Megan; I don’t know where I would be without you! 

Now I meditate. I use the Wheel of Awareness practice to combat all the habit stacking I did earlier.  I exercise my right to focus deeply on my breath, my mind, my “awareness” and then of course my kind intention. 

Because if you aren’t focusing on your kind Intentions then you are (a medical term) a selfish piece of shit.  Thank you Leon Logothetis for making us all aware of this in your Netflix special, Kindness Diaries. If you want that warm and fuzzy feeling that usually only comes with lost animals finding their way home, combined with “I  should be doing more for the world,” I urge you to check it out. 

After all this we have reached number four… jesus.. Jesus isn’t number four, but I feel I have written a book already and how we are only at number four? 

I understand if you have stopped reading, but if you have, you won’t read this and also fuck you I worked hard on this. 

Four:

Tidy up time! If it wasn’t for Marie Kondo I would have never… started folding my clothes in this weird way. I have actually always been a tidy person so a clean space isn’t new, but Marie showed me that I have to have a really fucking clean space & it must spark joy... or some shit like that; I honestly don’t know. I really only watched her for the folding techniques - which are awesome despite how much my husband complains about them.

So I/we (mostly we; my husband is actually very helpful) tidy up the space to make sure I can be creative and at ease because Laurie R. Santos, Yale’s happiness specialist says that you should be creative or (sorry to keep dropping medical jargon on you but) you are  a boring ass piece of shit, who is also unhappy. 

So now that the space is tidy, and I have mono-tasked and multi-tasked all my things in their appropriate spaces and places, it’s time to jump into number five! 

Five: where I exercise to feel good not to lose weight! If you are exercising to lose weight you are a piece of shit and you need check your attitude at the door and get in here to complete the stress cycle! 

Sisters Emily & Amelia Nogoski (authors of Burnout) burpeed into my life with that sweet little knowledge bomb. 

We have stress built up in us so hard that we must sprint that shit out! If you don’t, you are a stressed out piece of shit. Thank god for their book and my gumption.

So I sweat for that reason. 

I also sweat to build muscle because if you don’t you're setting yourself up for a future filled with hip fractures and general piece of shittery. 

Okay all covered in sweat and feeling ready for my shower! BUT WAIT we have to do some body brushing for the lymphatic system! (I don’t know who is responsible for this, I don’t have a name. I think it was a real pretty chick on YouTube and my friend China. I know I’m not the best at  evidence-based researched sources but I am not perfect. Yet, I can only imagine  I will be soon if I keep this up.)

So before my shower I take a coarse brush (I am sure was designed for horses) and rub all  my limbs in the direction towards my heart for my lymphatic system (or mainly honestly for ingrown hairs, but two more birds). 

OKAY SHOWER HERE I COME! (I am aware that I have stopped counting; this awareness was probably brought about by my awareness training I did earlier. So I am making a conscious choice not to count; instead of just an oopsy, I thought you should know.)

Showered and ready for the first meal of the day! 

Protein focused of course, not too high calorie, not too low calorie, and also it has to bring me joy, but have minimally processed foods. The answer? Eggs, and veggies

Beef, and veggies

Protein powder, and greens powder when in a hurry (you know because if you aren’t getting adequate protein for breakfast you are a piece of shit, a piece of shit with a protein deficiency, according to Martin MacDonald )

Now I am ready to begin my day... And by begin my day I mean walk the dog because it’s now 1pm and he hasn’t been out since morning and to be honest my step count is low for this time any way so I should get moving and my circadians defo need a top up of that natural light!

So we walk our 2,000 step walk and then I can get to work, except by this point I feel fucking tired like I feel like I have already done a full days work. (I can’t imagine why? I will reflect about this in my coffee journal tomorrow.)

But I drag ass upstairs to my office where I try to make health approachble and simple and fun for all (the irony is not fucking lost). 

After a few hours of putting my mind to use for the good of the world: I should probably do yoga. According to EVERY fucking person in the world this is good for you. If that isn’t a scientific reference I don’t know what is. 

So I do one of two practices: a mellow one (not for weight loss) or an intense one (NOT FOR FUCKING WEIGHT LOSS!). 

I choose based on listening to my body because we should listen to our inner wisdom according to Jean Kristeller, author of Joy of Half a Cookie. She says “if you aren’t listening closely you are a piece of shit.” (Not an actual quote but if you read between the lines that’s what it  says.)

Now I am ready to prepare my local vegetable and protein, whole-food completely from scratch dinner. Why local? Because if you aren’t eating local whole foods, you are a nutritional piece of shit for more on this check out Eating on the wild side by Jo Robinson. 

I/we (helpful husband who can cook too; don’t worry he also says dumb shit sometimes) prep dinner to be eaten in dim candlelight because now that the sun has gone down we need to keep our circadians happy and dark - or Matthew Walker will come up from under your bed and sing 99 bottles of beer on the wall keeping you awake all night (I assume). 

Also I will be eating this meal, giving it my full attention because mindfulness is the key to a healthy life and healthy eating, except when I am not..because having dinner with my husband and connection and social bonding is the key to living a happy life.  

Postprandial (after dinner, but fancy): the tidy-up process goes into effect followed by the final walk of the evening. (STEP GODS ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!) 

After the walk we settle on the couch for 8-14 minutes before I allow myself to eat whatever my heart desires. Following the prescriptions of Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch, authors of Intuitive Eating, all-around intuitive eating goddesses, and humans that live upon the pedestals of sage teachers on my bookshelf: THOU SHALT NOT RESTRICT CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH. These words echo in my heart and brain as sweet sugar goodness quells my cravings. (Craving is not biological hunger; it’s very important for your health to know the difference between these two things  according to Stephan J. Guyenet. If you don’t know, you are a piece of shit and you will also probably get fat.)

Okay, bedtime… j/k night time routine time! If you don’t have a nighttime routine or any sleep hygiene in place you are a real anti-living with ease piece of shit. 

So I shower the day off, brush my teeth, floss, apply a facial mist that I am sure is expensive coconut scented water that does nothing, apply lotion to my hands and then get in bed to go to... HAHAHA fooled you again, you thought we were done; no bitch I haven’t even been grateful yet. 

According to Robert Emmons, (who I  just Googled and found out why I am doing this, #seebodybrushing sometimes we just do shit because enough people said research says and we don’t even bother to look, ever, #ITME ) a leading gratitude expert says if you aren’t practicing some kind of gratitude you are….you guessed it, an ungrateful piece of shit. 

So I write AT LEAST three things I am grateful for and then read until I fall asleep. (All in a very poorly lit cold bedroom because, if you don’t know by now - circadians - you are the piece shit.

Honorable mentions also go out to: 

• Forgetting to take my supplements 

• Connection with my partner and nurturing my relationship 

• Finding paraben-free conditioner that works 

• Finding joy in literally everything I do 

• Accepting my body just the way it is

• Calling my mom 

I have no summary, or in conclusion. I have no 5 ways to avoid, or I wish I  knew when I started my journey. 

I just have this (what I hope is humorous) attempt and how health is a full time job, and besides, if I was to give you a task, a project, an area to work on, I would be just as bad as they are. And according to Brene Brown, renowned shame researcher, I  should be living my most authentic life.

So in honor of authenticity I have questions not conclusions:

At what fucking point am I just done?  At what point am I covering all my piece of shit bases

Maybe the answer will be from one of my heroes on the page, or workshops, or Ted Talks, or maybe not?

Okay, Bye