Wellness Rag
Welcome to my newsletter!
What is this all about?
We are desperate — and when I say we, I mean me too. We want all kinds of things but mostly we want to feel safe in our own minds and bodies. I say safe because good seems like too far a reach on some days.
I have been in this world of yoga, riding emotional waves, binge watching in the name of balance, and cutting out highly processed vegetables oils for 9 years consciously (and all 34 or my living years unconsciously based on the way I was brought up in a fringe hippy town of northern California).
I have a background as a personal trainer, yoga teacher, and my main health squeeze as a nutrition coach - my certification is from MNU, the leading evidence-based nutrition school based in the UK.
Aside from my certifications I am an active participant in gratitude practices, meditation, weightlifting, recipe creation, deep thinking, massage, sauna and cold plunges, and anything that pops up I think may feel good or increase my well-being.
I am critical as fuck, judgmental, openminded, and want to live my best life mentally more so than anything else.
Wellness is weird as fuck. The things we do to achieve thriving health can vary from eating a salad to staying in bed all day, to electrocuting your muscles while you do squats.
The most recent data says the overall wellness market was valued at $4.2 trillion during 2017, and it is a safe bet to say that it’s only gone up from there, like way up.
So here I will be showing you my version of wellness that is a thrift store patchwork quilt of hand-me-down methods that may cost less than any trillions but is worth more than anything to me.
Welcome to me journey
So, what am I up to?
RADICAL SELF COMPASSION
I have spent the better part of my life trying to be the perfect person, my best self. I wanted to be the best version of myself and not even think impure thoughts about others because we all have story and asshole-ary is usually just trauma wearing a hat.
I have trouble letting go, I judge other people's behavior, I get angry at myself and then get angry for getting angry at myself. (Fun fact: this is called a meta emotion, when you have feelings about your feelings. The more you know!) I have a trunk full of anxious attachment, and don’t like it when people complain but also have stuff to complain about and it’s different when I do it.
I was a great person to be in your life, but my life was falling the fuck apart because I wasn’t being honest. I was holding back and exiling huge parts of myself in the name of positive thinking.
This exile led to panic attacks, anxiety, and depression. The scary kind. I am now done with exile island and am learning how to welcome these shadow parts of myself into my well lit picture.
Being radically self accepting is not easy or socially acceptable work in some cases. It is, I believe the technical term is, messy as fuck.
It’s not just messy internally; it’s messy externally too. If people know you one way for years and then one day you wake up and say “no, and I am not okay with it, and fuck you,” people freak out.
Boundary-setting has felt more like buckshots than direct hits because this is new and I am messy. But — a big fat but — I am also worth it and so far it has been the greatest work on myself I have ever done.
I have swapped exile for education and am working on what these things have to teach me instead of shutting them up.
My major relationships have been redefined, I have had to say no to letting people into my life for the first time, I have thrown tantrums. It has been the most mentally challenged I have ever been.
I can’t see going backwards now though. This is my forward, my future, my real, messy, bitchy, loving, kind, lazy, excited self. I am starting to see the forest from beyond the trees and it’s beautiful.
I feel more myself than I ever have. The inner confidence, strength and not-giving-a-fuckary has made me, ironically, a better person.
So yeah, this year should be fun.
Some light promotional material
Book club!
Do you want to read along and join the email list? Come on in, the water's fine. I run a non-fiction book club that meets every 6 weeks. All non-fiction titles are welcome as suggestions.
My aim is to get some fun folks to read, meet, chat, and snack. Open minds are a requirement!
If you are interested in joining me, click here or contact me to sign up:
Dana@danadoesnutrition.com
Whatsapp 054-446-4557
Instagram @Dana_Does_
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Free webinar for January 19th 10am Gulf Standard Time
In person workshop with BODY PROJECT on reem Island January 22nd 10am GST
Each month I will offer a free online webinar for you! The theme for this month is: Nutrition from the inside out.
Nutrition is one of the most complicated subjects on the market. What if it didn’t have to be that hard? What if everything you needed to maintain weight, enjoy your favorite treats, and eat a balanced diet has been in you all along?
Dana is a certified, evidence-based nutritionist who knows both that calories are real and matter, as well as the importance of an intentional diet and mindfulness around food.
What will be covered?
The coolness of internal cues that we all have built-in
Hunger and fullness guide
How to begin this practice
The difference between satiation and satisfaction and why they are both important
The most basic and simple tools she starts all of her clients with
Honest Obstacles
This is my big share section. We all go through hard times and have obstacles daily, each month I will be bringing you mine. This section is particularly hard for me to write because it’s hard to admit the hard stuff for many reasons. It is vulnerable, it may be interpreted wrong, and it can be down right awkward.
I am not easing into this; I am starting with my very true.
My very true truth is that I live with depression.
Full disclosure — and loudly saying here — I am not a licensed therapist. This is not advice, this is not here to save you or fix you in any way. This is an honest expression of my experience.
Before diving into depression I will give a brief shitty shout out to mental health aid in general. As someone who lives in this world and needs help I found access to resources, not to sound dramatic but abysmal is the word that comes to mind.
I have been searching for a mental health professional three years. I have been navigating the personal world of mental health since…how old are you when you start making memories? That old. I know we are in trying times, I know I may live in a place with archaic beliefs, views, and depleted resources on the subject, but even with the ever-possible virtual world, I have been left on waiting lists for weeks and months only to find myself in front of a person who was a yellow polyester poncho with pink polka dots, something that may work for someone else but couldn’t be farther be farther from my earth toned organic bamboo cotton blend wardrobe.
Mental illness is real and the resources for dealing with it are few and far between. Finding a good fit for me was the only qualification I was looking for. I feel lucky to finally be in good hands with proper guidance, but it was not without massive effort and global search on my part.
I don’t say this discourage you but to inspire you. It may take time, and it may not be what you expected but keep looking, don’t give up, you will find your particular poncho.
So let’s get into it.
I have a want and calling to speak openly about my life and the true dark & light struggles and joys that come with it. This is not an easy or universally accepted way of living. I of course have fears discussing suicidal thoughts, mania, and what institutionalization would look like in the country I reside in. These topics don’t make for good dinner party chat.
When I am feeling bold, I state the full truth. When I am feeling not so bold, I simply state I am currently having trouble being a person. When I am feeling nothing, I say nothing. “Having trouble being a person” has become my truthful compromise with myself. An umbrella statement for the rainy thoughts.
When discussing my mental troubles (or otherwise) aloud, I am met with this handful of reactions.
The Change of Subject
"Well, isn’t that something" and then an awkward shuffling to kids or weather, something safe. This leaves me with a feeling of run away and avoid these choppy segues at all cost. Lying would have been easier.
The "You have it so good though"
The "people are starving in the African" path. I get it: I am fed, watered, sheltered, and have a supportive partner. By all standards, statistics, and majorities, I am privileged.
This statement makes me feel ungrateful and ironically worse than before. I know the benefits of gratitude and I spend time and space doing so - and have the notebooks to back it up. But my feelings are real and they may be first world problems, but those can still break your heart.
The "Have you tried _____"
Fill in the blank and I have probably tried it. I may be depressed but I am still high-functioning which confuses people massively. But that story is for another day.
Float therapy, eating well, sleeping better, talking about it, running…
If I am being honest this is one of the most annoying responses. As a depressed person, I don’t want to be depressed, and as highly functional depressed person, it is possible to get all your work done, fold the laundry, make dinner, and still feel frozen in a chasm of fear and hopelessness. We are more complicated than "add one cup of self care and wait thirty minutes." That isn’t how recovery works, at least not in my experience.
Depression, much like all health related things is a connected machine of webs and cogs and puzzle pieces that if all are in sync work well and when out of balance fuck shit up internally.
And the super fun part is there is no manual to this machine, there is no guidebook, just a bunch of spaghetti for you to throw at the wall and god- willing somethings sticks, so thank you for your feedback and no I don’t think more omega 3s is the answer and also, fuck you.
And then my favorite.
The "me too"
Not the me too like I have a cousin who also gets a hard case of the sads every year. Like me too, with a look in their eyes that says I also have been found weeping on the floor in the middle of the night questioning everything and you aren’t alone in this moment and I’m grateful if for only a moment to feel less alone.
It takes two people who both feel like the odd one out to create a couple instead of two people in isolation. There is nothing either of you can do but share your story that has been kept in the dark.
In those tiny moments you may even laugh at the fact that you hid from the delivery man, or you had to use your sock as a tissue. These words are shared but oh so different narratives can sometimes shine a tiny light on the darkness, making it a little less dark.
This time felt different
For years I have gone through, what I call tiny bouts of depression, but this wasn’t a tiny bout, it was a full on grand slam to the bottom of a well without wellness and no rope to climb up even if I did have that kind of upper body strength.
How do you climb up and out when you don’t even want to stand? They say do stuff you enjoy, get out there and just do it!
The irony of it is there isn’t enjoyment in those activities, the baking that used to bring a smile to your face just seems like a lot of dishes, the walks you went on with your partner in the afternoon sound bright and tiring. They just bring a sinking awareness to how far away from yourself you feel.
What if you never enjoy anything ever again?
What if this is what my life looks like now?
These are the dark thoughts that lead you into darker thoughts of unworthiness and loss and makes you realize why George Bailey walked to the icy bridge that night.
So what are my options?
Lean in?
Give myself the rest and recovery time and unapologetic behavior I am clearing craving?
Let the room fill with take out containers and the umpteenth episode of the office. Stay up late, sleep in late, close your curtains, stop messaging people back.
This feels good to me, feels good like french fries going down or yelling at someone you upset you and saying the hurtful things I know will hurt them. It feels good but only for two moments: the moment in it and one second after. The following second comes and sweeps the leg.
For me, the lean in is and has been helpful. Filling my cup with reality TV and cookies has its benefits but knowing when to pull the kill switch is near impossible.
The thing is that behaviors catch up with you no matter how much healthy savings you have in the bank. At a certain point there is a biological shift that starts the flow of your machine into negative feedback loops of further despair.
And there you are, in between a rock and a couch and a hard dark place.
I did both. I leaned and and also forced myself to get up and get sunshine in my eyeballs. I did the bare minimum when it came to what I knew my body would like just to keep the shop running on days when I could, and I tried not to judge myself too harshly on days that I couldn’t.
I kept planning, I tracked my workouts, supplements, meditations, and yoga so I could fall back on some data.
The hardest part was the fear of not knowing if I would ever get out of this place and would I have to struggle from now on.
I am writing to you now on December 28th feeling okay, feeling motivated, feeling ready to share, but with a whole new type of fear, a fear about how temporary this part is too. When will I get knocked off my feet again? How long do I stay here? What will it be that knocks me and can I avoid it this time?
This is where my radical self acceptance is coming in: accepting and allowing these parts and thoughts instead of white-knuckling through them while grinding my teeth and hiding panic.
They are as much a part of me as the joy and the depression. Ironically the antidote is in the poison of not knowing when things will end. Knowing that everything, all sides, are temporary.
My biggest obstacle this month was function in the darkness of winter in a country where the sun never stops shining.
This piece is dedicated to the small few I was lucky enough to share those real moments with, because those moments were true and that’s all that matters to me.
What’s HOT and what’s NOT
Let’s lighten things up with a fun list of things that I currently think are cool and things I think are not so cool
Hot
1. 3 minute mini meditations throughout the day. I am learning to feel my feelings instead of just pile driving them like you do the garbage when it gets full but you know there is more space. I have always struggled with 45minutes meditation practices, so this just felt way fucking easier. When I start to notice the physical sensations of having a bad time, (jaw tightening, leaning forward with my forehead, hunched shoulders) I will stop what I am doing and let myself actually feel this shit. For three minutes.
2. Dressing in what feels good no matter the venue. I don’t think this needs further explanation.
3. After dinner activities that aren’t watching TV. Give Scrabble, reading, sex, or going for a walk a try. This doesn’t have to be every night. Maybe just add one new night a week.
NOT
1. Pens that work half the time. The most annoying thing is when you go write something down and the pen quits on you. Throw them away!
2. Not eating pasta. It’s so tasty and not trying to hurt you.
3. The new season of Selling Sunset. Look I love a reality tv show, it is my pleasure, I used to say my guilty pleasure, but now I just say pleasure because fuck that, BUT this whole season has not sparked joy.
SMALL BITES
Calories, both matter and don’t! How fun is nutrition!
Look, calories are in all of our food. Calories are just a unit of measured energy and they count… KINDA! Again, how fun.
If you go vegan and eat 50 bananas a day, you will gain weight. If you cut out all carbs but eat 3 packs of bacon every day, you will gain weight.
The food energy (calories), if not used, is just stored as fat. These are just the fat facts of life.
HOWEVER, you will not get the same results for different types of foods. We call this nutrient density. Different foods have different nutritional profiles and some are more dense than others.
This does not make them bad or good, it just makes them different.
Think about when you eat a piece of chicken, you feel full after chicken — satisfied, ready to move on to whatever other thing pops into your brain parts.
Now if you were to eat the caloric (just a fancy way to say calories, which is just a fancy way to say energy) equivalent of potato chips you would not feel as satisfied at all. In fact you would probably, if you are anything like me, be reaching for your second handful.
This doesn’t mean you have to be a whole food zealot. It just means it would behoove you to know what portion sizes of. those tasty tasties looked like.
Education around calories is not obsession; there isn’t a problem unless there is a problem.
Recipe of the month
This soup is on fire! Add a cap full of red wine vinegar at the end and all the flavors beautifully round out!
Final Thoughts
It’s a new year and this one will come with as many obstacles as the last. If we are lucky, it will come with the good too.
All this shit is temporary.
Peace out